About Spanx and failure

Today I am going to write for you about something I saw a while ago that put a whole new perspective on something we all experience through life, but we learn, in general, to fear or avoid. We tend to think it is something bad and if it happens to us we feel horrible, basically.

Just do this small imagination exercise. What comes first to your mind when you think about failure? Does the above paragraph match most of your thoughts? Probably so. but you may also think "well it is horrible at first, but there is also a lesson we must learn, a precious one, and then we must move forward". Basically, we perceive failure as something horrible that, if we can, it is best to avoid so that we don't feel like crap after we experience it and then think "What now? What will the others think of me? I am a terrible person."

Photo from Pinterest

There are times, and I tend to think many, when trying and failing is considered as a flaw. This helps a lot perpetuate the idea that failing is bad which may hold us back from retrying and taking chances with things. We may tend to avoid "risky businesses" and look for situations which are more likely to end in success. But this course of action may prevent us from learning new things, engaging ourselves in tricky situations which may require thinking more about possible solutions and engaging in "thinking outside the box" which then broadens perspective. 

Because we tend to rapidly evaluate ourselves after a task, a failure might make us think that we are not capable to do some things or succeed at a certain task if we didn't get it right a couple of times. We also might think that said task is too difficult and out of reach for us to make another try at it. 

One secret is to not make general assumptions when something doesn't go the way you wanted to. Especially don't make general assumptions about yourself (in psychology they are called global evaluations of self) by saying things like "I am a failure". The truth is you, as a person, are not a failure. You just did not succeed at a particular task, in a particular situation or circumstance. If you think about it, that is really the truth and it applies to a certain situation and you should not go on assuming failure in similar tasks or putting yourself down.

But then, there is another secret which, if you put your mind to it, it will change your perspective for the future to come and also you will learn not to take failures, in everyday life, so badly. 

It just so happened that, one night, I was changing channels on the television sitting in bed when an interview caught my attention. The person who was being interviewed was the woman who invented Spanx. You probably heard about them because some stars/celebrities practically live in them. They are a piece of stretchy clothing that shape your body, so tight-fitted outfits look better on your body if you don't have a very toned figure. Spanx brought Sara Blakely world wide fame and lots of money also. But her way there was not easy at all, as you can imagine. It involved hard work, dedication and most importantly maybe, taking risks. So, of course, the talk about failure comes into discussion and she had something very interesting to say about it:

"Interviewer: What's the best piece of business advice you ever received?

Sara Blakely: It probably came down to my father. When I was growing up, he encouraged us to fail. We'd come home from school and at dinner he'd say: 'What did you fail at today?' And if there was nothing, he'd be disappointed. It was a really interesting kind of reverse psychology. I would come home and say that I tried out for something and I was just horrible and he high-fived me. "

(source: Interview and article about Sara Blakely)

Also video interview:

Now how do you feel about it? Just let this idea settle for a while. Take it in.

I thought it was amazing. the underlying idea is the encouragement to try new things. and if you don't succeed it is OK. You can try doing it again if you really want to achieve it. Maybe if we were taught like this, since we were kids, we wouldn't be that afraid of failure. 

I want to know how you feel about failure and how you manage it. 

Feel free to leave a comment.

Divergent – Despre frica

In ce consta curajul? In a nu-ti fi frica de un lucru sau in a-i face fata in ciuda fricii pe care o simti fata de acesta?

     Recent s-a lansat in cinematografe un film ce reprezinta ecranizarea primei carti dintr-o trilogie, scrisa de Veronica Roth, numita “Divergent”. Titlul reprezinta un grup de persoane care nu puteau fi incluse in structura deja bine stabilita a unei societati post-razboi, in scopul revelarii unei distopii (care inevitabil o veti compara cu cea din “Hunger games”). Aceste persoane nu puteau fi incluse in grupurile delimitate de o anumita caracteristica, astfel traind oarecum “in afara legii”, fiind niste paria urmariti de cei care vor sa conduca, pentru a fi eliminati deoarece erau o amenintare la adresa structurii societatii manipulate.

     Personajul principal feminin, Tris, e divergent. Ea avea capacitatea de a-si controla frica, astfel incat aceasta nu o mai bloca, ci din contra, o energiza si putea gandi cat se poate de clar in situatii critice pentru a actiona in consecinta. Acest lucru se putea vedea clar cand ea era supusa la anumite probe imaginare, dar resimtite ca foarte reale.

     Nu intamplator am ales acest film pentru a ilustra un aspect in ceea ce priveste managementul fricii. Aveti in vedere urmatorul citat din carte:

     Suna destul de logic, nu? Ei bine, acolo sta cheia spre a deveni mai curajosi, daca pot zice asa. Primul pas e sa ne recunoastem frica si, mai exact, ce anume presupune, de ce anume e legata specific in cazul nostru si prin ce comportamente si ganduri se exprima. Apoi, din nou, e foarte important a gasi modalitati prin care sa o controlam, sa-i scadem din intensitate, astfel incat sa nu ne mai impiedice sa facem lucruri pe care ni le-am dori sa le facem: sa incercam lucruri noi, sa vorbim in public sau cu o anumita persoana, sa zburam cu avionul etc.

     Bineinteles, la baza, ea exista cu un anumit scop si anume pentru a ne asigura supravietuirea. Precum si in cazul altor emotii sau comportamente exista o teorie evolutionista. Aceasta spune ca in trecut stramosii nostri au fost ajutati de frica pentru a nu se expune la pericole sau situatii care le-ar putea scurta viata si, astfel, impiedicandu-i sa mai aiba urmasi.

     Adevarul e ca in anumite doze frica ne e foarte utila si in ziua de azi tocmai pentru ca ne ajuta sa evitam potentiale situatii periculoase. Experientele anterioare pot fi cele care stau la baza declansarii fricii in anumite situatii. Insa, probleme apar atunci cand frica se iveste in situatii care nu reprezinta o amenintare la supravietuirea noastra ci, mai degraba, la starea de a fi, la starea de spirit. In plus, problema e atunci cand frica e atat de intensa incat evitam anumite situatii de viata de teama consecintelor pe care tindem sa le exageram, incercand sa prezicem viitorul ca fiind o amenintare la starea noastra de bine sau confort. Asfel ia nastere anxietatea.

     Rezolvarea exista si de cele mai multe ori sta chiar in expunerea la acele situatii care ne provoaca anxietate. Insa e essential sa ne acceptam lipsurile si sa cerem ajutor daca e cazul pentru a ne putea depasi frica/anxietatea si a face un management cat mai bun pentru a putea profita de oportunitatile pe care ni le ofera viata si nu numai.

     Asadar, precum zice si citatul, idea e sa invatam cum sa avem control asupra fricilor pentru ca a fi absolut fara frica e imposibil. Important e sa preluam noi controlul asupra situatiei si sa nu lasam frica sa preia controlul. Astfel face si Tris si aici sta avantajul ei mare fata de alti luptatori din poveste.

     Ca si incheiere va las inca un citat legat de oportunitati, frica si decizia de a prelua controlul, nu din carte ci gasit online, la care sa va ganditi si sa-l aveti in vedere cand e cazul:

sursa imagine

P.S.: V-ar placea sa va scriu si despre o experienta personala legata de anxietate si expunere? Let me know!

Words Of Wisdom #1

This is one form of "therapy" that works really well. Try it for yourself and see the results. It might help you know better what you're feeling and actually be aware of it in order to know where you should eventually make changes.

I think it is also a good way to know yourself and maybe discover a new hobby or passion.

Have a nice day! :)

Vrei sa stii un secret?

sursa

Legat de psihoterapie exista o multime de lucruri interesante indiferent de abordare fie ea psihanalitica, umanista sau cognitiv-comportamentala: incepand cu modalitatile de initiere si mentinere a unei relatii terapeutice, a unei comunicari propice desfasurarii terapiei, adaugand realizarea treptata a puzzle-ului pe care il reprezinta cazul respectiv, pana la implementarea tehnicilor necesare atenuarii simptomelor. 

Unul dintre aceste aspecte interesante e legat de ce anume face un anumit tratament psihoterapeutic sa mearga. Ce elemente asigura succesul acestuia si in ce masura, astfel incat persoana care apeleaza la consiliere psihologica sau psihoterapie sa ajunga in cele din urma sa invete atat lucruri noi despre ea, cat si sa rezolve probleme pentru care a apelat initial la psiholog.

Ai auzit de Michael Lambert? Ei bine, una dintre contributiile lui aduse stiintei a fost faptul ca a sintetizat anumite cercetari pentru a incerca sa evalueze in ce masura anumite componente ale tratamentului psihoterapeutic contribuie la eficienta acestuia. pe scurt care sunt elementele cele mai importante care asigura succesul tratamentului psihoterapeutic.

Aceste elemente sunt urmatosrele: efectul placebo, tehnicile psihoterapeutice, factorii personali ai pacientului si relatia psihoterapeutica.

Gandeste-te care dintre aceste elemente au procentaj mai mare in cadrul analizei. 

Oare tehnicile terapeutice sa fie cele mai importante pentru ca sub influenta lor directa se produce schimbarea? 

Sau poate relatia terapeutica pentru ca increderea, deschiderea si sinceritatea sunt aspecte ce faciliteaza o comunicare eficienta ce ulterior va duce la schimbare. Insa, in realitate, conform studiilor, lucrurile stau astfel:

sursa

Va uimesc aceste rezultate? Cum v-ati fi asteptat sa fie de fapt?

Ai curajul sa spui DA?/Do you have the courage to say YES?

RO: Am inceput acest blog cu intentia de a trata niste concepte ce tin de psihologie si dezvoltare personala, insa fara a da copy-paste unor pasaje de teorie pe care oricum le gasiti daca accesati site-uri de specialitate sau google scholar. Vreau sa fie o abordare putin mai diferita, nu formala, din care sper sa invatati ceva folositor.

EN: I started this series of blog posts with the intention of talking about certain psychology related and personal development related subjects, but without hitting copy-paste on some theoretic paragraphs that either way you can find if you go on professional psychology websites or on google scholar.  I want it to be a different approach, not very formal, from which you can learn something of use.

RO: M-am gandit la acest concept de "zona de confort" pe care fiecare si-o cunoaste sau ajunge sa o constientizeze in momentul in care e provocat sa gandeasca sau sa actioneze diferit fata de felul in care o face deobicei. De asemenea, mai constientizam aceasta zona de confort in momentul in care trebuie sa luam decizii importante in viata precum schimbarea unui job, mutarea in alt oras. Situatiile sunt diverse, la fel si reactiile noastre fata de acestea. Unii dintre noi, totusi, ne aventuram in afara zonei de confort, cu putina frica ce-i drept, ceea ce e si normal in momentul in care e necesar sa experientiem lucruri necunoscute.

EN: I thought about this concept of “comfort zone” that people are more or less aware of regarding themselves, maybe they only acknowledge it when they are challenged to think or act differently from the way they usually do. Also, we might become aware of our comfort zone when we have to take important decisions in life like a job change or moving to another city. Situations vary and so do our reactions regarding them. Some of us, however, venture outside our comfort zone more easily than others, but still with a bit of fear, which is totally normal when we are faced with the unknown.

sursa imagine Google Images

RO: Pasirea in afara zonei de confort reprezinta ocazii de autocunoastere, de invatare. Putem constientiza ca suntem capabili de lucruri de care nu ne credeam in stare si astfel se produce un boost in stima de sine. Pasind in afara zonei de confort putem evita mai tarziu ganduri de genul "oare cum ar fi fost daca as fi facut acel lucru?". 

EN: Going outside your comfort zone can serve as a means of knowing yourself better and learning new things. We can become aware that we are capable of things we did not think possible prior to a certain experience, serving also as a self-esteem boost. Also, by stepping outside our comfort zone, we can avoid later thoughts like “what if I did do that certain thing?”.

RO: Fara a mai continua prea mult cu vorba va recomand un articol pe aceasta tema care atinge niste puncte importante pentru aceasta discutie: Comfort Zone

EN: Without saying any more, I will firstly recommend you read the following article on this subject that details certain important points regarding this matter: Comfort zone
 

RO: In plus, imi imaginez ca teoria poate fi unori plictisitoare si fara prea mare impact asupra propriei persoane, insa experientele altor persoane pot fi cele care sa ne deschida ochii si mintea ceva mai mult. Ceea ce vreau sa va recomand spre ascultare sunt doua videoclipuri de pe YouTube unde Zoella (Zoe Sugg), youtuber foarte apreciat din Marea Britanie, povesteste prin intermediul experientei personale despre depasirea zonei de confort. De aseamenea, mai are un video unde povesteste despre anxietate si atacuri de panica. Vi le las mai jos, eu zic ca merita urmarite.

EN: Secondly, I can imagine theory might be boring at times and be without much impact on the individual, but the experiences of other people can be the ones that make a difference. What I recommend you watch and listen are two YouTube videos of youtuber Zoella (Zoe Sugg), very popular in the community. She talks about stepping out of the comfort zone through her own experience and she also has another video where she talks about anxiety and panic attacks as she is someone who suffers from them.

RO: Tu cand ai iesit ultima data din zona ta de confort?

EN: When was the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone?

sursa imagine: Google Images

Mersul la psiholog/Going to the psychologist

sursa imagine

Desi m-am confruntat deja, in practica si in viata, cu cateva dintre lucrurile in mare parte gresite pe care oamenii le zic referitor la psiholog, psihologi, si referitor la mersul la psiholog, am zis totusi sa fac si o cautare pe internet in acest sens. Asadar, am cautat pe google si in blogosfera parerile cele mai frecvente in legatura cu “mersul la psiholog” iar cele mai frecvente au fost urmatoarele:

“nu sunt nebun ca sa merg la psiholog”

“lucrurile astea pe care ti le-a zis psihologul ti le puteam zice si eu pe gratis”

“tu nu ai nevoie de asa ceva”

“poti trece si singur peste situatia asta”/ “pot trece si singur peste situatia asta”

“ce sa invat de la psiholog? Tu nu l-ai vazut/ai vazut-o pe X ce prostii vorbea la televizor?”

In primul rand, cred ca e important de mentionat faptul ca intre psiholog si psihiatru nu exista semn de egalitate. In timp ce psihologul face facultatea de psihologie, master si formare in domeniu, psihiatrul e absolvent de medicina si e astfel capabil sa prescrie tratament pentru diverse boli mentale. Desi si psihiatrul poate face terapie, similar cu psihologul, daca face o formare in acest sens. Mai jos aveti si definitiile din DEX:

PSIHIATRÍE s. f. ramură a medicinei care studiază bolile psihice, în scopul tratării și prevenirii lor.

PSIHOLOGÍE (‹ fr. {i}; {s} psiho- + gr. logos „studiu”) s. f. 1. Studiul științific al proceselor psihice ale oamenilor și al altor animale în interacțiunea lor cu mediul. Psihologii studiază procesele percepției, gândirii, învățării, cogniției, emoțiilor și motivațiilor, personalitatea, comportamentul anormal, interacțiunile dintre indivizi și interacțiunile cu mediul.

De mentionat e faptul ca in unele cazuri tratamentul medicamentos poate insoti psihoterapia pentru a creste sansele de succes ale terapiei si a ajuta bineinteles vindecarea.

In timp ce si psihologii se pot ocupa de cazuri mai complexe care sa implice tulburari mentale, de asemenea ei se mai pot ocupa si de asa numita dezvoltare personala si optimizare comportamentala. Acest lucru inseamna ca psihologul te poate ajuta sa te cunosti mai bine, sa depasesti o situatie dificila in care te afli, sa faci fata stresului, sa treci mai usor peste pierderea unei persoane dragi sau sa-ti depasesti temerea de a vorbi in public spre exemplu. Faptul ca nu suferi in asa masura incat sa te simti la limita puterilor, ci doar simti nevoia de un mic ajutor in a depasi o situatie mai dificila poate fi un motiv suficient ca sa cauti un psiholog. E mult mai bine sa rezolvi o problema inca din fazele incipienta decat sa astepti sa se complice, nu?

Insa, pe de alta parte, sunt persoane care considera ca nu e cazul sa apeleze la psiholog pentru ca pot si singure sa rezolve problema cu care se confrunta. Si intr-adevar pot exista situatii in care persoanele care chiar reusesc pe cont propriu sau tot ce au nevoie este sa se descarce in discutia cu un prieten/o prietena pentru a reusi sa porneasca pe calea potrivita si pentru a gasi solutiile potrivite. Dar aici mai intervine ceva. De multe ori prietenii si familia, desi foarte deschisi in a ne fi de ajutor si a ne asculta, nu fac decat sa ne ofere solutii prin prisma propriilor experiente, sa ne ofere sfaturi care lor li se pare potrivite. In plus, se poate intampla ca si printre prieteni sau familie sa fie cineva care sa ne ajute in mod asemanator psihologului, insa nu cunoaste modalitatea potrivita de a o face.

Ce consider eu ca e important, e faptul ca desi suntem deschisi cu prietenii in care avem incredere si avem o familie dispusa sa ne ofere suport, totusi ar fi bine sa fim constienti daca situatia dificila in care ne aflam nu se modifica in timp sau, cu atat mai mult, se complica mai tare. Pentru ca acela ar fi momentul potrivit in care sa apelam la o sursa externa, la un psiholog, care poate fi obiectiv, empatic, cu care putem forma o echipa si care ne poate ghida spre a gasi solutia optima pentru noi insine.

Referitor la ultima afirmatie (credinta/idee) pe care am postat-o la inceputul articolului, e adevarat ca putem vedea cu anumite ocazii psihologi la televizor. Unii ne pot placea si asta ne poate incuraja spre a apela la consiliere psihologica sau psihoterapie, dar exista si posibilitatea de a vedea persoane care ne displac si astfel ne scad mai mult increderea in practicantii acestei meserii. Important e sa nu fiti descurajati de ceea ce vedeti la televizor. In ziua de azi internetul e mai mult decat disponibil si puteti cauta profesionistii de care aveti nevoie si pareri despre ei pentru a va asigura ca alegeti persoana potrivita. De asemenea, proba cea mai buna este sa va prezentati in cabinetul acelui psiholog macar pentru o sedinta si daca nu sunteti sigur de ceea ce se va intampla puneti-l sa va explice cum anume isi desfasoara el activitatea, ce tip de terapie face. Si insist pe acest aspect, pentru ca imi dau seama cat de mult ne-a influentat Hollywood-ul in privinta a ceea ce se intampla in cabinetul unui psiholog. Astfel puteti incerca cateva sedinte sa vedeti daca o anumita abordare vi se potriveste sau nu, fara a mai fi influentati din mass media sau filme.

Astept parerile voastre bineinteles. 

Ati avut experiente placute sau mai putin placute cu psihologii?

Going to the psychologist

Although I was already confronted, in life and in practice, with some of the mostly wrong things people say about psychologists and about going to the psychologist, I decided google-ing this subject in order to find the most common beliefs people have or things people say about this matter. The most frequent ones were the following:

“I don’t need to see a psychologist because I am not crazy”

“What the psychologist told you, I could've said to you for free”

“You don’t need something like that”

“You can get through this alone”/”I can get through this alone, I don’t need extra help”

“What am I supposed to learn from the psychologist? Did you not hear what stupid things X was saying on the TV?”

Firstly, I think it’s important to mention the fact that there is a difference between the psychologist and the psychiatrist. While a psychologist goes to the university to study psychology, do a masters and maybe a PhD and in the meantime going through a training period, the psychiatrist goes to the university to study medicine and is therefore able to prescribe medical treatment for whatever mental condition needs it. The psychiatrist can also perform therapy just like a psychologist, if he does proper training. Below you have the definitions:

Psychiatry - a branch of medicine that deals with mental, emotional, or behavioural disorders; a branch of medicine that deals with the science and practice of treating mental, emotional, or behavioural disorders especially as originating in endogenous causes or resulting from faulty interpersonal relationships;

Psychology - the science or study of the mind and behaviour;

It is also important to mention that in some cases medical treatment accompanies psychotherapy to help improve results and to help with the recovery.

While psychologists/therapists can also deal with more complex cases involving mental disorders, they can also deal with the so called self-improvement and behavioural optimization. This means that the psychologist can help know yourself better, overcome a difficult situation, deal with stress, cope with the loss of a dear one or overcome your fear of speaking in public for example. The fact that your suffering hasn't reached a high point, and you only feel the need of a small help to overcome a difficult situation can be an enough reason for you to look for a psychologist. It’s far better to resolve a problem in its early stages than to wait for it to get more complicated, right?

However, on the other hand, there are people that think that they can deal themselves with their problem no matter the issue without needing help. And sometimes that can be true. People can make it on their own without much help. The least they can need is a discussion with someone close in order to clarify and put order in their thoughts and find the needed solutions. But there is something worth talking about here. Many times, in trying to help us and with their best intentions, they can only offer solutions regarding their own experiences and offer advice they think is appropriate. Furthermore, it might be possible that someone close could be able to give us some help similar to what a psychologist could, but they don’t know exactly how to act on it.

What I consider important, it’s the fact that although we are open with our friends and we trust them and we have our family to offer us support, we should be aware if a difficult situation we’re in does not modify in time or gets even more complicated. Because that would be an appropriate moment to look for a psychologist who can be objective, empathic, with whom we might form a team and set up a purpose towards working to.

Regarding the last statement (belief/idea) that I mentioned in the beginning, it is true that on occasions we can see therapists on TV. Some we might like and that could serve as an encouragement towards looking for help, but there also is the possibility of seeing someone that might not make a good impression and so trust towards their services might be really low. It is important to not get discouraged of what you might see on TV. You have the Internet at your fingers making it possible for you to search someone to trust. A much better idea is to just choose someone and go for one session and see exactly how that someone works, what sort of therapy he/she does. I insist on this matter because I realise how much the Hollywood “culture” influenced us regarding what happens at a therapist’s office. Hence, you can try a couple of sessions to see if a certain approach is a fit or not without letting mass media or movies influence you anymore.

How do you feel about all of the above? Feel free to share your opinions.